I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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