My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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