So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
