Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
