There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
