if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
