I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
