well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
