if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
do nipples grow back?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
