I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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