Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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