He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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