Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
