so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
