does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
its not stalking. its research.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
