The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just invented taco cereal.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
