Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
