i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
