Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
