i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
