watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
