My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
