So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
