thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
