I wanna bring you to show and tell
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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