I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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