How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
