dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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