I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
