What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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