Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
