I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
