i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
