you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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