mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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