I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
