Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i came on her dog
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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