I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
false alarm, still single
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
