Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
