i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
