Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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