If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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