hotel room ftw
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
