so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
