I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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