I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
