First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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