I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just high enough for therapy.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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