Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
