I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I smell like Dick and happiness
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