tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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