are you still at the devil's house?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
