you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm always down for nudity.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
