Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
