she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
