she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
3 2 1 whiskey
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize