Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
