my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
