i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
