now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
