Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
