It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
