the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
